Pregnant & Throwing UP

It's uncanny how each time you plan something, 90% of the time things don't go as planned. 

For the most part, it's okay, because in the end, it was better off not going as planned anyways.  Things always work out for the better. We all know how Heavenly Father is in charge but I can never get used to being thrown off course most of the time.  

I feel mostly like I am walking steadily on a path and suddenly I got jerked away into the bushes by a kidnapper and then to be thrown back out again, not knowing what happened and I don't know where I am, but only to know I have to just keep moving and do the processing along the way. 

Okay, maybe that is just too dramatic.  I have been reading too many crazy things lately. 

Being at the age that we are (not 19 or 21), Clifford and I decided we better talk and plan.  When it came to starting a family, we decided we were going to wait till next year because there's plans of climbing Mount Timpanogos sometime in the late summer, and many other myriads of outdoor stuff to make full use of our time here in Utah.  So after much discussion and evaluating our circumstances, next year would be perfect. Sure, we will miss the auspicious dragon baby desire that most Chinese sought for but it's okay.  I am not a very traditional person anyways. 

The moment the decision was made, I started feeling sick.  The constant battle of trying not to throw up and smelling various aroma/ scents that no one else thinks is appalling but me.  Clifford was sure I was just going through a bout of food poisoning.  I thought so too.  Then one week goes by and I was still the same.  I am beginning to think something is not right but Clifford was still convinced I still have the "bug". 2 weeks went by and I feel just as lousy.  The "bug" seems more and more like a baby by now.   Like it or not we did the test and was tested, positive.  

Unconvinced, we bought a different one.  Positive. 

And so, thus began my journey into motherhood.  
Coincidentally I have a blog post, un-posted : A tribute to mothers which sat dormant on the draft section of the dashboard because I have been too sick to finish it.  

Now my belated post will carry more weight as to what I have to say. 

My struggle with nausea made me realize how selfish I have been as a person.  Be around me and you can agree with my husband on how whiny I have been with this phase of the pregnancy.  While other women accept it as part of being pregnant and goes through it again and again with each child she bears, I hate it.  I sometimes wish I can jump down from the building just to stop feeling so yucky.  I miss eating.  I miss enjoying my food.  Now every food I see, I feel like throwing up.  I eat only because I want to avoid the terrible hollowness in my stomach from hunger, which worsen the nausea.  And even if I ate, the food stays in my stomach like a rock that just won't move along the digestive tract so I feel lousy either way.  I am a terrible person. I know.  

All my complaining and intolerance for the discomfort I am going through is also probably not very positive for the poor little thing that is growing within me.  

How did I get this way?

Which is probably why this had to happen, I guess. To chastise and humble me.  To also finally give me a taste of what my own mom, and most moms out there, who, since the time of Eve had to struggle and deal with pregnancy and motherhood. So, here's my bitter medicine to make me TRULY appreciate what mothers go through.  
My mom, when she was pregnant with my brother, was constantly throwing up.  I remember just watching her go through the motions and wondered, what is wrong?! 

So here I am, experiencing it for myself.  I just hope I survive this ordeal and start feeling more positive, minus the nausea and vomiting. *sniff*






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